Commentary by Adams Smith

The North Jefferson News




It’s official, I have the sickness.

That’s right, I have political fever (politicitis).

I haven’t been officially diagnosed with it yet, but I know the symptoms.

• Overwhelming generosity

• Wide, big-toothed grin

• Unexplainable urge to shake as many hands as possible

• The need to dress up on a 100-plus temperature day

• The need to hug moms and kiss babies, or kiss moms and hug babies

• A desire to plaster a sign on the side of my car with my last name on it

• A pull toward events that I would have never previously thought about going to

• An enlarged ego

The sad part is, I’m not running for anything. However, I’ve still been stricken with this God-forsaken politicitis.

I never really began caring about politics until I was in college and realized that some decisions were being made in high places that I didn’t necessarily agree with.

“If I were in charge, I’d do things differently,” I would espouse to my apathetic comrades.

However, that didn’t stop me from yawning through most of the only political science class I ever had. If I wasn’t yawning, I was probably checking out the co-eds, tracing my hand or counting the blue lines on my notebook paper.

I don’t even remember the professor’s name. I just remember he was wearing the exact same suit and tie each time I saw him.

“Yeah, yeah, Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin are great and all that,” I probably thought to myself. “Weren’t you wearing that on Tuesday?”

I often thought about wearing the same clothes each time I entered his class, wondering if he would notice.

However, the co-eds never paid much attention to me, and I figured they’d pay even less if I consistently smelled like smoke, tequila sweat and fries.

That being said, I don’t feel like my past flagrant disregard for academics or lifestyle choices weakened my resolve to run, win and be successful in the political arena. I’m a new man; a man with a plan.

If I were a resident in Gardendale, Kimberly, Warrior or Trafford, I would run for office and I would make a mockery out of my opponents.

Why? Because I know what it takes to win.

Previously a north Jefferson outsider, I’ve covered this area for more than two years with a keen eye on the movers, the shakers and the money-makers. More than that, I know what residents need in this area.

You need me, but more importantly, you need my plan.

My plan bridges the gaps between the young and old, fat and thin, male and female, dog and cat, car and squirrel, tomato and tomahto and breaks the racial barrier wide open.

You can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun. It can’t be drank, swallowed or applied like an ointment on an itchy rash.

It’s good. Trust me, it’s good.

And in several years after I’ve traversed the globe accomplishing my short-term goals of skydiving, hiking the Adirondacks, climbing Mt. Everest and hitting a home run in Game 7 of the 2014 World Series to help give the Braves another title, I will come back and seek political office.

It is then, and only then, that my brilliant plan will be revealed.

Just watch, you’ll see. It’s (I’m) going to be great.

Trust me.

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