Viewpoints
I (kind of) braved Black Friday insanity
Commentary by Adam Smith
The North Jefferson News
For many, many years, I have managed to avoid what’s commonly referred to as Black Friday.
Black Friday, of course, is the day after Thanksgiving. It’s also the second-busiest shopping day of the year, with the Saturday before Christmas still being tops, according to CNN.
“Black” Friday is so named because theoretically, retail stores would see their revenue go into the black and have a profitable fourth quarter for the year.
But enough with the business talk. To me, Black Friday has always represented moms and dads elbowing each other, pulling hair, trampling old ladies and store personnel in their quest to put their fingers and toes on the hottest new doo-dad, gizmo or widget.
It’s sick and depraved.
Why would anyone sacrifice precious sleep and possibly their own personal well-being to save $30 to $100 on something their kid, wife or other family member will probably hate anyway?
Apparently, I would.
Yes, after years and years of politely declining invitations to push and shove people in the name of commerce, I made up my mind to take part in the insanity. I was, in fact, going to do it out of love.
As most of the world knows by now, both Best Buy and Walmart had Hewlett-Packard laptops on sale dirt cheap as part of their “Black Friday Doorbuster” promotion. My fiancee Lensey’s laptop has been in a coma for the last several months, so it seemed as though a new laptop would be the perfect Christmas gift.
So, somewhere between letting my dressing and carrot soufflé settle and before dessert, I had decided I would fight it out with the best of them. By the end of the evening, it started to seem like less and less of a good idea.
I felt under-prepared and out of shape. I figured if I was going to get up at 3 a.m. to go tackle some stranger, I should have eaten rice, pasta and other energy-producing carbs. Not to mention lots and lots of caffeine. With holiday food resting heavy on my belly, I knew I would not be in fighting shape. More importantly, Lensey had decided that a new computer was not worth my life or potential jail time.
So, I compromised and decided that ordering online might be the way to go. I got up at 4:15 a.m. and decided to order a laptop from Walmart at a discounted rate. By the time the start of the big sale rolled around at 5 a.m., Walmart was completely sold out.
I was devastated.
However, I had remembered that Staples had the same computer for sale for slightly more. Have you ever tried to access a store’s Web site when hundreds of thousands of people are also accessing it at the same time? Needless to say, it’s a slow process and Staples’ Web site kept locking up, kicking me out and was just acting like a poo-poo head in general.
I called the computer and Staples every name I could think of before finally securing one of the laptops at about 5:20 a.m. I felt elated. I did a victory dance, threw my arms up in the air and threw confetti on myself. I had done it. I had participated in Black Friday and stimulated the nation’s economy without getting my ribs broken. I was the man of the hour.
Needless to say, Lensey was very happy. The computer won’t be a surprise, of course, but I’ve always hated surprises anyway.
If you were one of those who busted down the retail doors, here’s hoping you escaped unscathed. “It’s the hap, happiest season of all!”.
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